Tuesday, February 24, 2009
a solution for all you whiney assed "im bored" people
So I was sitting in chat the other day watching a stream of "Im Bored" posts from a couple people and thought to myself.. "maybe I should ask them why they are bored" but I feared an answer of "There's nothing to do" or something similarly inane so in an effort to have an answer to that question I began to think " how can I help these people not to be bored?" I thought " well i could tell them to pretend to be doing something" but what would I advise them to be pretending to do while they are bored? So I got my make believe friends together and said to them "let’s see the solution you come up with for people who are bored…we had a make believe think tank on this and came up with a couple fake ideas... the first was asphyxiation but that would just leave illusionary bodies everywhere in fantasyland.. so how about paddleball? It’s a nice safe thing to do .. hell how many make believe murders happen with people are fantasizing over paddleball? Maybe just for fun we can all just make believe pray at the temple of Freebird? …..“Freebird”. I would say in my most fake Benny Hinn hypocritical voice “ And in the beginning there was the word “Freebird” and “Freebird” would be yelled throughout the centuries. “Freebird”, the mantra of the moron! “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”. If we keep yelling this, one day we’llbe funny. Keep doing it. “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”. We will sit at the feet of our saviours.“Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird” with a paddleball”
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I think you and your imaginary friends should practice the Cult of the Golden Orb religion *nods* No way you could be bored then.
ReplyDeleteOur Master Teaches us that every Tuesday at 2:30 PM Eastern Standerd Time, we are to hold a Medium sized red hot chili pepper between our buttocks for 19 hours and repeat the sacred montra; 'giddie'up horsie' 51 times.
Then, per our instructions we put on our sandpaper pants and we get in the plastic punishment room where we ask each other the holy question;
'Are you the lemon?'
'No.'
'Are you the lemon?'
'No.'
'Are you the lemon?'
'No.'
This can go on for weeks or months. Finally someone says 'I think I am the lemon.' They are slapped across the face, stripped naked, and fitted with a "sacred diaper" which is made of Pudding skins and duct tape. They wear wax lips and hum the theme to Hawaii Five-O, 47 times.
Then they straddle a chicken, a small chimpanzee is attached to their back, they are fitted in a harness and hoisted 100 feet up in the air. Then they are lowered slowly into a vat of lukewarm chocolate pudding as the other church members grab hands and repeat the sacred prayer: 'Squatting monkeys tell no lies'.
Well..... KayKay....
ReplyDeleteI have nothing for that. *falls over giggling*
SCORE!!
ReplyDeleteWow.. someone has been dipping a little heavy in the voodoopsychobitchfromhellomgshehaslostit juice again. *looks at the date and time* Well that would explain it. Right on time. It is almost Spring. Yeppers.. Divine works better than a cock.. errr.. clock... for telling when cabin fever is about to make you explode, run out and scare the hell out of your neighbors because you have been cooped up too long again all Winter. Yep yep.
ReplyDelete*dusts off her hands.. and goes out to find the sacrificial horny toad*
*does her best to feign shock and turn on the suthun charm* I'm sure I have no idea what you mean! My neighbors love me, they adore me, truly they do. I am the most sane person on the planet! Pay no attention to the bathtub in the flower garden, or the vat of chocolate pudding ... or the chimp. Come meditate with me and have a piece .. er .. have inner piece. I have the red hot chili peppers right here ... just .. bend over.
ReplyDeleteI am sure your neighbors are much more impressed by the spider circles mah Divine Sister.. truly. However.. it was my turn to be the lemon last time. Maybe this year we could convince someone else. *is still trying to get pudding out of her ears*
ReplyDeleteI think I might be the lemon
ReplyDelete*giggles*
Oh Sistah! Embrace the lemoniness of being. You truly are the Lemon. *wipes away tears of joy.. and does the snoopy dance*
ReplyDelete*falls over giggling*
ReplyDeleteok .. yeah, nothing for that .. lmao
SCORE!!! =]
ReplyDelete*cheers Paula on*
ReplyDelete*curtsies*
ReplyDeleteFankies! Always happy when da fans cheer... *grins*
*holds the sacred "years old pudidng spoon" out to paula* come taste the nectar of the spoon :)
ReplyDeleteOoooooooooohhhh.. I get to lick the spoon!!! I have finally achieved the ultimate!!! *sniffles* Thank you so much for finding me worthy!
ReplyDeleteDivine,
ReplyDeleteIt depends on whether or not the cult of the golden orb decrees it as such, doesn't it?
And I think it should be a vat of warm jello. Sounds more... well, sacred to me.
I also think you should hold a ceremony every Saturday as well as Tuesday, this time at 3:45 p.m., eastern, where you all come dressed as giant pieces of toast with tiny headphone jacks in your arm pits. Then, after a very serious tournament of 'connect four', everyone stands in a perfectly straight line and waits for thier turn to be pretend-tasered by the master. If the one who has been randomly chosen to hold the title of "Daddy Long Legs" for the day decides that your dramatization of being tasered was not up to par, then you must climb the Jungle Gym of Terror and label CDs for an hour, while drinking copious amounts of unsweetened apple juice. After everyone has finished either their punishment or their performance and the master is satisfied, each senior member puts on a curly gray wig. One of the wigs is filled with jello, not pudding, and is marked with the sacred letter 'B' in silver sharpie. The one who wears the jello wig must lead the sacred chant of "that all you got bitches?" and choose what movie the group will watch while popping the mountain of bubble wrap. He/ she usually picks the first Indiana Jones movie. Any movement, besides bubble popping, or talking during the movie is punishable by banana torture! (and we know how you LOVE banana torture)
Oh yeah.. he fits right in. lmao
ReplyDeleteIt is scary how well too. I think we have another ET, Kaykay.. only in male form this time.
*grins and shakes her head* Gotta love it.
*eyes him suspiciously*
ReplyDeleteI think you're right, Paula. 'cause .. wow.
Now put on your jello wig and start chanting. I'll be doing the hokey pokey on the mountain of bubble wrap during the movie .. 'cause, well, banana torture!
Divine how about a chocolate dipped one? i hear you like them better anyways..
ReplyDelete*nods*