Sometimes people just piss me off...

I consider myself a calm and rational person....most of the time. That being said I do have a small specific list of people who piss me off to the extent of contemplated homicide and these are there stories.....
1) There's the guy who must speed up to cut you off and then run the red light..what the fuck? Are you training for some new olympic sport? If so where do I sign up so I can go buy a '72 Royal Monaco Broughm and go all death race on your ass
In no order 2) the guy who goes to the gym and decides to jumprope right in front of where everyone puts their keys thereby delaying my ability to leave and get chicken wings. Hey fucker I am not watching cause I give a shit or that ýou are good.....I am watching so when you fuck up and miss I can grab that rope and fucking choke you out for being a thoughtless fuck
And for now 3)And I say this with the utmost respect. You stupid fucking Nascar tourists. Yes you, the stupid fuck in the velour pants *points* YOU quit ruining Jennifer Beals pants huh? Oh and look both ways as we run red lights (see #1) and you'll get the ticket if you get hit in the big city ...
Enough for now I've got to go make a prison shank out of a toilet paper roll :)

Ahh Fuck it "Failure Friday" is here...and it goes a "little" something like this yo

Comment away :)

a solution for all you whiney assed "im bored" people

So I was sitting in chat the other day watching a stream of "Im Bored" posts from a couple people and thought to myself.. "maybe I should ask them why they are bored" but I feared an answer of "There's nothing to do" or something similarly inane so in an effort to have an answer to that question I began to think " how can I help these people not to be bored?" I thought " well i could tell them to pretend to be doing something" but what would I advise them to be pretending to do while they are bored? So I got my make believe friends together and said to them "let’s see the solution you come up with for people who are bored…we had a make believe think tank on this and came up with a couple fake ideas... the first was asphyxiation but that would just leave illusionary bodies everywhere in fantasyland.. so how about paddleball? It’s a nice safe thing to do .. hell how many make believe murders happen with people are fantasizing over paddleball? Maybe just for fun we can all just make believe pray at the temple of Freebird? …..“Freebird”. I would say in my most fake Benny Hinn hypocritical voice “ And in the beginning there was the word “Freebird” and “Freebird” would be yelled throughout the centuries. “Freebird”, the mantra of the moron! “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”. If we keep yelling this, one day we’llbe funny. Keep doing it. “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird”. We will sit at the feet of our saviours.“Freebird”, “Freebird”, “Freebird” with a paddleball”

another edition of "things I know know or have learned"

So in my never ending quest to be a little more aware of my surrounding world her is what I have learned this week:
1) Nyxie apparantly has issues with cooking chicken and
2) some others need to do thier own math :)
3) i've found that I have a new word to describe somepeople i work with.. in fact its my new favorite word and its *tah dah* "douchebag"
4) the definition for douchebag is
douche bag
Function:
noun
Date:
circa 1963
slang : an unattractive or offensive person - and thats from Merriam webster
5) i found this one I like better: Someone who has surpassed the levels of jerk and asshole, however not yet reached fucker or motherfucker. Not to be confuzed with douche - thats from urban dictionary.com
6) ive come to realize I know a lot of douchebags.... must be what i do for a living?
7) or maybe its just the tourists in the popped collar shirts?
8) i have discovered what I want to be when i grow up and it's
9) to be the unmoving pivot in my chaotic world.. i want to be still
10) and I know it wont happen cause I am more whirling dervish than slow motion
11) although i just realized my license plates expired in NOVEMBER and i have not put the new sticker that is in the truck on the truck and yet
12) divine will get stopped before me :)

Breathe

It's 5am and all I keep telling myself is "breathe" I tell myself "just breathe". The constant left-right left-right rythym of shoes on pavement leads to a zen-like thought process. You and I, friends and enemies, lovers and old loves...we are all connected by this one simple premise: we are all connected in breath...breathe in and breathe out. In breath we are all the same and all as one...young and old, friends and enemies, you and I.
Breathe....

sometimes goodbye is a scissor snip away

So while going through my mail I saw a notice from my favorite bill...Cap1. Hmmm I wondered what it was seeing as I requested a rate review as my credit score is now well north of 700. I figured that it should be lower than 11 pct. Wrongo...try a raise to 23 pct....WTF???? Really? So after callin Cap1 and realizing that all of Dell and Sprint's laid off customer reps now work for Cap1 I did the only loical things....1) wished a painful death in this life and the next and then 2) cut that fucker up.....how rash yet fun

If I poke you with a fork will you explode?

Ever wonder about those people who just seem to be too full of ..well themselves to be realistic? Just think, maybe if you poked them with a fork they would pop and show the real side of themselves. Some I would like to poke with maybe a dull rusty spoon first just for the sheer joy of it. Maybe a soup spoon or a ladle I am not sure but definitely something besides a fork. Some days I think maybe everyone would get a little forking just to see who would pop and who would not, but that's just me...Enjoy your thursday :)

What I've learned in the past week or so

Through my many ramblings I have learned some important things this week:
1) I am a pussy prophet because
2) I help women find religion during sex and
3) therefore I am proselytizing (which is tough for a non catholic?) during sex which
4) makes it perfectly acceptable to smack a woman on her ass and say "tell all your friends" (jesus would want it this way) although she may
5) tell you she already has and
6) prove it by calling one
in other news i learned that swithing from swing shift to days without a day off sucks because you cannot sleep and end up running on empty
I also learned that after a month out of the gym doing yoga i can still ride 10 miles on the bike at 5 a.m. although the better question some days is why?

Fuck perception..

Is it amazing that we do not always see what lies before us with our shiny rose colored glasses and the smoke that envelopes us? We are constantly amazed by the new things that have been there forever and the old that just appear. With constant change there may be none and in silence there is a deafening roar of peace.
I am learning that the loud peace of silence can be rewarding in many ways and although the inner peace it brings seems new it has been there much longer than I realize...